...I do not want to make you uncomfortable, but I'm not sure there will be another way to address this. But - many of the things I have seen are... painful.
[just as a warning, and to ask for her permission before diving right in.]
[she reaches for the bubble, hesitating for only another moment before pushing forth a burst of amber with a frown. as she anticipated, a memory begins.]
[You are running through a corridor, following behind a man who looks to be in his late thirties named Kelsier. Given the coordinated way the two of you move, it seems that you’re working together. You’re running incredibly fast, faster than anyone should be able to, reaching for a power source deep inside of you to sustain this rapid motion. You feel… wrong, as though this place itself is sapping your energy, making you feel low somehow. Still, you know that the two of you have come to this place - Kredik Shaw - to find something important.
Ahead of you, two soldiers step into the corridor. Kelsier doesn’t hesitate before slamming feet first into one of them, then flipping and jamming one of his daggers straight into the other one’s neck. Though the sight isn’t a surprise to you, it still stirs something inside of you. These were evil men, he’d said to you earlier, but - you can’t shake the way that it disturbs you.
After the two soldiers are dispatched, he moves down a side corridor, and you follow him. You both see a doorway with a brighter light shining inside, and you move towards it. This chamber is wide, with a high ceiling and murals made of silver. A mountain. A spacious cavern. A pool of light. And… something dark, too. Kelsier strides forward, and you follow in a nervous crouch. It’s suspicious to you, how empty this room is, if it’s as important as the two of you are imagining. There must be other guards or soldiers nearby. Still, the two of you approach a large oaken door leading further into the building, and Kelsier opens it without hesitation.
You were right to be worried. A Steel Inquisitor stands in the doorway, a slow and eerie smile spreading on its face. Both of you freeze for a long, shocked moment. No. No, that can’t be—
Your thoughts are interrupted when Kelsier starts to yell. “Vin, run!” As soon as he says that, the Inquisitor reaches out almost casually, grabbing the man by the throat. You freeze. You see two other Inquisitors striding in through open archways, heading towards you. The Inquisitor holding onto your companion's throat lifts him easily with an iron grip. The smile remains as he looks at the man. “Kelsier, the survivor of Hathsin.” His voice sounds like grinding stone, before he turns his attention to you. “And… you. I’ve been looking for you. I’ll let this one die quickly if you tell me which nobleman spawned you, half-breed.”
Kelsier coughs, struggling for breath, and the Inquisitor turns back toward him. He coughs again, trying to form words, and the Inquisitor pulls him closer to hear what he's attempting to say. As soon as he's close enough, Kelsier shoves his dagger into the thing’s neck. As the creature stumbles, he slams his fist into the Inquisitor’s forearm, his strengthened movement shattering bone. The Inquisitor drops him, and he falls to the floor. Gasping for breath, he looks back towards you, terrified - for you, not for himself. “I said run!” You're still frozen. This wasn't supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to be here.
Kelsier throws a coin pouch at you, and you reach out to grab it - but it moves unusually fast, propelled by an unseen force. You realize that he was trying to throw it at you, not to you, and it pushes you backwards as it slams against your chest, propelling you past the other two Inquisitors who were approaching. After you skid on the marble, you look up, disoriented. You see Kelsier standing, and the first Inquisitor moving towards him, apparently unconcerned about the dagger stuck in its neck. The other two Inquisitors stand between you and Kelsier as you look his way. “Run!” He screams, desperate and panicked. For a moment, the word echoes in the domed chamber, and one Inquisitor turns to you with its unnatural gaze, looking at you with the flat end of its spikes. Finally, the word cuts through your daze, unlocking a sudden sense of fear and urgency.
You rush to your feet and start sprinting for the nearest doorway out of here, using some kind of power to pull yourself away from the floor and through the air, near the doorway, but - something goes wrong. When you hit the ground, it’s unexpected, and at an awkward angle. Your head hits the stone floor, and for a moment, everything spins. You wonder what happened and why you didn’t make it to the destination you were aiming for, before you remember the coin pouch full of metal you’re holding - someone exerted a power on it, pulling it (and you along with it) backwards when you were trying to move forward. Just as you realize this, you see the Inquisitor shooting down the corridor towards you, and you pull some coins out of the pouch, sending them shooting with unnatural speed towards the Inquisitor - until he raises a hand and they stop in place. You’re thrown backwards again, and when you come to rest, you see the creature moving towards you once more.
You pick yourself up and run through the first doorway you see, grabbing a candelabra from the wall as a makeshift weapon - but as the Inquisitor comes into the room, it’s ripped from your hands easily before he’s even close to you. You jump, using some kind of power to force yourself over the altar in the middle of the room, while the Inquisitor continues moving towards you. He reaches into a bowl atop a pillar, pulling out what appears to be a few sharp metal triangles. His hand bleeds at contact, but this doesn’t stop the way he shoots them towards you easily. You only barely dodge them by ducking behind a pillar.
“You are trapped. Come with me.” It says. You look around to see that there aren’t any other doors in the room, and when you look towards the Inquisitor around the pillar, another triangle of sharp metal shoots towards your face. You duck behind the pillar again before it can hit you, breathing hard in outright terror. Your heart is pounding. People do not fight Inquisitors and live.
Behind the altar, you see a leatherbound book, and you wonder if this is what you came here to find - you reach towards it, then lift a flask containing an alcohol solution and pieces of what seems to be metal inside. You swallow the contents, then reach for the power that you know the metal will give you. When you look back towards the Inquisitor, something fundamental has changed. You can see different versions of him moving, a kind of echo trailing behind the one in front. This is what atium does - it allows you to view an opponent’s next move before it can make them, giving you a chance to react before they’ve actually made that move. You see the shadows of the triangles he has racing towards you, and you raise the book and follow the path they make, catching every projectile in the book. The Inquisitor looks shocked for a moment, before a hundred shadow images suddenly burst forth - a sign that he has atium, too. You won’t be able to predict his movements any longer.
You run out of the room, and see several soldiers - these don’t have atium, so they’re easy enough to get past when you can foresee their movements. You don’t kill or even wound them - that would only take more time. You’re focused on escape. As you pass the last man, you turn around a corner, relief flooding through you at the possibility of escape—
Everything happens very quickly.
Before you’ve had time to process that there’s another Steel Inquisitor standing right there around the corner, it’s too late to dodge before he shoves a weapon into your stomach, and it pierces out through your back.
You gasp in both shock and pain, hearing a sickening noise as it rips the weapon right back out with no thought or concern. You see that it’s a length of wood affixed with a great number of sharp obsidian blades. The pain is - immeasurable, almost beyond comprehension, and you sway on your feet as it's removed. You grasp your side, feeling a terrifying amount of blood seeping out from the large, jagged wound, immediately reaching for a power source that will keep you standing. You realize this is the Inquisitor from the room you left Kelsier in, and there’s a terrifying moment where you have to wonder if that means he’s been killed.
“Who is your father?” The creature asks, the voice of grinding stone continuing. The soldiers near you step aside to let another Inquisitor through the corridor you just ran through, and as you look down at the wound - it’s a severe one, and even with the power you’re using, you don’t know how long you’ll be able to stand - both Inquisitors start to descend towards you, the first one still holding the weapon coated with your blood. You don’t know where to go. As you think, panicked, that you’re going to die—
that... is a lot. it's horrifying. one of jiuqing's hands comes to rest over her stomach - the memory is over, but the memory of the pain isn't going to be one she forgets anytime soon, even if it was secondhand - and the other comes up to cover her mouth.
[of all the memories to see - if she thought it would be that one, she would have given further warning. her hand grips at her side as well, from the recollection of that pain, pressing against the scar it left. she takes a breath. she can guess what the most pressing concern might be, so after a halting moment:]
[oh. the embrace, for her, is unexpected - but she doesn't pull away, even if she tenses slightly in surprise. as she relaxes slightly, she's glad jiuqing can't see the look on her face. there's a little strain in her voice, though.]
she almost says that, but then her foot brushes against the edge of the bubble, and they're thrust back into another memory.
it's one that haunts her, has guided each and every move she's made in daxing. sometimes, you put your trust in the wrongpeople, andyoudieamiserabledeath. but sometimes... there are second chances.]
[she opens her mouth to say something else, but - as the memory goes on, she reaches up towards her throat as if she can remove a piece of fabric that's not really there. she looks horrified after it finishes, and she's concerned enough that the pain in her side and what happened a moment ago is forgotten, even after jiuqing wakes up again in the end.]
jiuqing can't really argue with that, because she'd say the exact same thing if she'd seen this memory from someone else's point of view. she falls silent.]
I knew they were going to poison my mother. And my skill with medicine makes me useful enough that they can't touch me, now. Even having left the Su family, I'm far beyond them.
I never told anyone in Daxing what had happened to me. Who would believe that I'd died and woken up in the past with all of my memories of my previous life? ...but... it feels good to be able to admit to you that it happened.
...It is difficult to keep things like that inside, even if it is unwise to confess them to others.
[she's glad jiuqing has someone to talk to about it as well. she shifts a little, thoughtful, not noticing as she brushes against the bubble before another memory starts.]
[You’re climbing up to the roof of a building. The mists are out tonight, thin tendrils that hang in the air around you. You can feel the cold against your skin, since you’re only wearing a white shift and a pair of white shorts. There’s a pain in your arm and on your face, two fresh wounds that have only been stitched minutes ago. You sit down on the roof, glancing down at the accumulation of ash that rests atop it. You feel - upset, somehow. Distraught, as though something horrible has just happened. Your first thoughts cement that as you cross your arms.
You should be angry at yourself. You’re the one who let them get close. Now they’re all going to leave you.
The ache in your chest won’t stop. You drop your head into your folded arms, tears starting to fall, as you hear the trapdoor to the roof opening nearby. You glance that way and see a blonde, middle aged man coming out to join you, and you immediately turn away to rub your hand over your eyes. You don’t want him to see that you’re crying. You don’t want him to see you like this at all. The newly stitched wound on your cheek stings as you try to rub at your eyes and accidentally touch it.
Kelsier doesn’t take a seat next to you - he stands, looking up at the mists. You keep silent at first, just looking at him with a sense of guilt for whatever happened before this. There’s the sense that you said something to him that he may not have deserved. Still, he breaks the silence soon.
“Watching the mists is comforting, isn’t it?” You only nod, saying nothing. “What is it I once told you? The mists protect you, they give you power… They hide you…” He glances your way after that, walking towards you and crouching down to offer you a cloak. “There are some things you can’t hide from, Vin. I know - I’ve tried.” You say nothing as you take the cloak, wrapping it around your shoulders, heart still aching. He continues on after a moment. “What happened tonight? What really happened?”
Your voice is thick when you respond. “Elend told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“Ah,” Kelsier responds. “Was this before or after you killed his former fiance?”
“Before.” You answer.
“And you still protected him?”
With a nod, you sniffle, rubbing at your nose. “I know. I’m an idiot.”
“No more than the rest of us,” Kelsier says, following that with a sigh before he continues. “I loved Mare too, even after she betrayed me. Nothing could change how I felt.”
“And that’s why it hurts so much,” You agree, finally understanding something that he said to you long ago. You don’t stop loving people just because they betray you or leave you behind. But whoever Elend is, it’s not really him you’re thinking of as you say that - it’s something older, something that hasn’t really had the chance to heal. Something that you’ve tried to shove down as much as you could, springing to the surface.
“You don’t stop loving people just because they hurt you,” Kelsier agrees. “It would certainly make things easier if you did.”
Something about that - the simplicity of that statement, how true it is, how long you’ve tried to run from it… You sniffle again, tears welling up in your eyes anew, as something that you’ve been keeping inside for a long time finally spills out.
“I loved him, Kelsier,” You whisper.
“Elend?” He asks, but you shake your head.
“No, not Elend. Reen.” Your half brother. You have to take a breath before you continue. “He beat me over, and over, and over. He swore at me, he yelled at me, he told me he’d betray me. Every day, I thought about how much I hated him. And I loved him. I still do. It hurts so much to think that he’s gone, even though he always told me he would leave.”
“Oh, child…” Kelsier says, not hesitating another second before he pulls you close. “I’m sorry.” It’s warm, familial, but… You just keep going. It’s like you can’t stop. You haven’t said any of this to anyone, before. There’s never been anyone you trusted enough to tell this to. Through the tears, you whisper.
“Everyone leaves me. I can barely remember my mother. She tried to kill me, you know. She heard voices, in her head, and they made her kill my baby sister. She was probably going to kill me next, but Reen stopped her. Either way, she left me. After that, I clung to Reen. He left me too.” For the first time since this began, you look up at him, desperate. “When are you going to go? When will you leave me?”
He looks down at you, sorrowful, clearly hesitating. Choosing his words, maybe. “I… Vin, I don’t know. This job, the plan…”
You look towards him, wondering if he knows some danger that you don’t, but despite that… You trust him, He is strong and capable. No matter what the danger is, you think he will last through it. So you pull away, wiping at your eyes, already feeling self conscious for everything you just said as you sniffle again.
this, somehow, seems more invasive to be seeing than the first memory - more personal, somehow. more raw. she can't imagine that it was easy for vin to admit feeling this way to the man in her memory, and she can't imagine that vin is fully comfortable with that vulnerability being laid bare in front of her now.
...
she takes her hands, though, when the memory comes to an end.
everyone leaves me.
that's haunting, because - isn't that their goal? to leave this place? to go back to where they'd come from? when that happens, they'll...]
[the memory doesn't let go of her that easily. living through it again, seeing him so close and so real, feeling him reach out to hold her - while she's back in that moment, it's almost like...
it's only when jiuqing reaches out for her that she takes a shuddering breath, brought back to here and now. she blinks, looking down to where jiuqing holds her hands, a deep breath forcing itself into her lungs.]
It's... [for all she likes to downplay things like this, she can't quite bring herself to say it's fine. instead:] It was a long time ago.
[not the memory itself, but - the things she described in it.]
[some things still hurt no matter how much time passes. you carry them with you, always, until carrying that burden becomes as natural as breathing, and the thought of setting it down is entirely foreign.]
[but to her - acknowledging that pain doesn't change what has happened, or that she's certain that's it just going to happen again. she's mentioned it before, things like the people here are kind or they seem well meaning, but even that has been an understatement. even if she's tried to pull back from caring or getting too invested, she's already failed, and in the end, she's sure that every face she's come to know here will fade to a memory.
is there some way to get home, but to not lose touch with the people they've grown to care for here? jiuqing doesn't know. at this point, even making it home feels... not impossible, but also not something they'll be able to accomplish soon.
but if they can find some way to stay connected...]
Even so... [...] It's still...
[awful, to have to live in fear of the moment when people will leave you behind.]
no subject
...anyway, I'm sorry you had to see that. It couldn't have been pleasant to see so suddenly.
no subject
[she sighs at the still unpopped bubble, though.]
...I do not want to make you uncomfortable, but I'm not sure there will be another way to address this. But - many of the things I have seen are... painful.
[just as a warning, and to ask for her permission before diving right in.]
no subject
[she nods]
That's alright. Whatever it is... I can take it. And I won't speak of whatever I see to anyone.
1/2
[she reaches for the bubble, hesitating for only another moment before pushing forth a burst of amber with a frown. as she anticipated, a memory begins.]
cw: murder, gore.
Ahead of you, two soldiers step into the corridor. Kelsier doesn’t hesitate before slamming feet first into one of them, then flipping and jamming one of his daggers straight into the other one’s neck. Though the sight isn’t a surprise to you, it still stirs something inside of you. These were evil men, he’d said to you earlier, but - you can’t shake the way that it disturbs you.
After the two soldiers are dispatched, he moves down a side corridor, and you follow him. You both see a doorway with a brighter light shining inside, and you move towards it. This chamber is wide, with a high ceiling and murals made of silver. A mountain. A spacious cavern. A pool of light. And… something dark, too. Kelsier strides forward, and you follow in a nervous crouch. It’s suspicious to you, how empty this room is, if it’s as important as the two of you are imagining. There must be other guards or soldiers nearby. Still, the two of you approach a large oaken door leading further into the building, and Kelsier opens it without hesitation.
You were right to be worried. A Steel Inquisitor stands in the doorway, a slow and eerie smile spreading on its face. Both of you freeze for a long, shocked moment. No. No, that can’t be—
Your thoughts are interrupted when Kelsier starts to yell. “Vin, run!” As soon as he says that, the Inquisitor reaches out almost casually, grabbing the man by the throat. You freeze. You see two other Inquisitors striding in through open archways, heading towards you. The Inquisitor holding onto your companion's throat lifts him easily with an iron grip. The smile remains as he looks at the man. “Kelsier, the survivor of Hathsin.” His voice sounds like grinding stone, before he turns his attention to you. “And… you. I’ve been looking for you. I’ll let this one die quickly if you tell me which nobleman spawned you, half-breed.”
Kelsier coughs, struggling for breath, and the Inquisitor turns back toward him. He coughs again, trying to form words, and the Inquisitor pulls him closer to hear what he's attempting to say. As soon as he's close enough, Kelsier shoves his dagger into the thing’s neck. As the creature stumbles, he slams his fist into the Inquisitor’s forearm, his strengthened movement shattering bone. The Inquisitor drops him, and he falls to the floor. Gasping for breath, he looks back towards you, terrified - for you, not for himself. “I said run!” You're still frozen. This wasn't supposed to happen. They weren't supposed to be here.
Kelsier throws a coin pouch at you, and you reach out to grab it - but it moves unusually fast, propelled by an unseen force. You realize that he was trying to throw it at you, not to you, and it pushes you backwards as it slams against your chest, propelling you past the other two Inquisitors who were approaching. After you skid on the marble, you look up, disoriented. You see Kelsier standing, and the first Inquisitor moving towards him, apparently unconcerned about the dagger stuck in its neck. The other two Inquisitors stand between you and Kelsier as you look his way. “Run!” He screams, desperate and panicked. For a moment, the word echoes in the domed chamber, and one Inquisitor turns to you with its unnatural gaze, looking at you with the flat end of its spikes. Finally, the word cuts through your daze, unlocking a sudden sense of fear and urgency.
You rush to your feet and start sprinting for the nearest doorway out of here, using some kind of power to pull yourself away from the floor and through the air, near the doorway, but - something goes wrong. When you hit the ground, it’s unexpected, and at an awkward angle. Your head hits the stone floor, and for a moment, everything spins. You wonder what happened and why you didn’t make it to the destination you were aiming for, before you remember the coin pouch full of metal you’re holding - someone exerted a power on it, pulling it (and you along with it) backwards when you were trying to move forward. Just as you realize this, you see the Inquisitor shooting down the corridor towards you, and you pull some coins out of the pouch, sending them shooting with unnatural speed towards the Inquisitor - until he raises a hand and they stop in place. You’re thrown backwards again, and when you come to rest, you see the creature moving towards you once more.
You pick yourself up and run through the first doorway you see, grabbing a candelabra from the wall as a makeshift weapon - but as the Inquisitor comes into the room, it’s ripped from your hands easily before he’s even close to you. You jump, using some kind of power to force yourself over the altar in the middle of the room, while the Inquisitor continues moving towards you. He reaches into a bowl atop a pillar, pulling out what appears to be a few sharp metal triangles. His hand bleeds at contact, but this doesn’t stop the way he shoots them towards you easily. You only barely dodge them by ducking behind a pillar.
“You are trapped. Come with me.” It says. You look around to see that there aren’t any other doors in the room, and when you look towards the Inquisitor around the pillar, another triangle of sharp metal shoots towards your face. You duck behind the pillar again before it can hit you, breathing hard in outright terror. Your heart is pounding. People do not fight Inquisitors and live.
Behind the altar, you see a leatherbound book, and you wonder if this is what you came here to find - you reach towards it, then lift a flask containing an alcohol solution and pieces of what seems to be metal inside. You swallow the contents, then reach for the power that you know the metal will give you. When you look back towards the Inquisitor, something fundamental has changed. You can see different versions of him moving, a kind of echo trailing behind the one in front. This is what atium does - it allows you to view an opponent’s next move before it can make them, giving you a chance to react before they’ve actually made that move. You see the shadows of the triangles he has racing towards you, and you raise the book and follow the path they make, catching every projectile in the book. The Inquisitor looks shocked for a moment, before a hundred shadow images suddenly burst forth - a sign that he has atium, too. You won’t be able to predict his movements any longer.
You run out of the room, and see several soldiers - these don’t have atium, so they’re easy enough to get past when you can foresee their movements. You don’t kill or even wound them - that would only take more time. You’re focused on escape. As you pass the last man, you turn around a corner, relief flooding through you at the possibility of escape—
Everything happens very quickly.
Before you’ve had time to process that there’s another Steel Inquisitor standing right there around the corner, it’s too late to dodge before he shoves a weapon into your stomach, and it pierces out through your back.
You gasp in both shock and pain, hearing a sickening noise as it rips the weapon right back out with no thought or concern. You see that it’s a length of wood affixed with a great number of sharp obsidian blades. The pain is - immeasurable, almost beyond comprehension, and you sway on your feet as it's removed. You grasp your side, feeling a terrifying amount of blood seeping out from the large, jagged wound, immediately reaching for a power source that will keep you standing. You realize this is the Inquisitor from the room you left Kelsier in, and there’s a terrifying moment where you have to wonder if that means he’s been killed.
“Who is your father?” The creature asks, the voice of grinding stone continuing. The soldiers near you step aside to let another Inquisitor through the corridor you just ran through, and as you look down at the wound - it’s a severe one, and even with the power you’re using, you don’t know how long you’ll be able to stand - both Inquisitors start to descend towards you, the first one still holding the weapon coated with your blood. You don’t know where to go. As you think, panicked, that you’re going to die—
The memory ends.]
no subject
that... is a lot. it's horrifying. one of jiuqing's hands comes to rest over her stomach - the memory is over, but the memory of the pain isn't going to be one she forgets anytime soon, even if it was secondhand - and the other comes up to cover her mouth.
her gaze flicks to vin's face, concerned.]
Vin...
no subject
[of all the memories to see - if she thought it would be that one, she would have given further warning. her hand grips at her side as well, from the recollection of that pain, pressing against the scar it left. she takes a breath. she can guess what the most pressing concern might be, so after a halting moment:]
I lived.
no subject
jiuqing reaches out to give vin a hug anyway.]
I'm so glad you did.
no subject
...It is as I said. I am fairly sturdy.
cw: strangulation
[stay sturdy, please -
she almost says that, but then her foot brushes against the edge of the bubble, and they're thrust back into another memory.
it's one that haunts her, has guided each and every move she's made in daxing. sometimes, you put your trust in the wrong people, and you die a miserable death. but sometimes... there are second chances.]
Re: cw: strangulation
You - what...?
no subject
...I'm alive. It's alright.
no subject
[she looks angry, but not at jiuqing.]
no subject
jiuqing can't really argue with that, because she'd say the exact same thing if she'd seen this memory from someone else's point of view. she falls silent.]
no subject
no subject
I knew they were going to poison my mother. And my skill with medicine makes me useful enough that they can't touch me, now. Even having left the Su family, I'm far beyond them.
no subject
[but her expression still says that she's sorry it happened in the first place, at all.]
no subject
[...]
I never told anyone in Daxing what had happened to me. Who would believe that I'd died and woken up in the past with all of my memories of my previous life? ...but... it feels good to be able to admit to you that it happened.
1/2
[she's glad jiuqing has someone to talk to about it as well. she shifts a little, thoughtful, not noticing as she brushes against the bubble before another memory starts.]
cw: descriptions of child abuse, murder.
You should be angry at yourself. You’re the one who let them get close. Now they’re all going to leave you.
The ache in your chest won’t stop. You drop your head into your folded arms, tears starting to fall, as you hear the trapdoor to the roof opening nearby. You glance that way and see a blonde, middle aged man coming out to join you, and you immediately turn away to rub your hand over your eyes. You don’t want him to see that you’re crying. You don’t want him to see you like this at all. The newly stitched wound on your cheek stings as you try to rub at your eyes and accidentally touch it.
Kelsier doesn’t take a seat next to you - he stands, looking up at the mists. You keep silent at first, just looking at him with a sense of guilt for whatever happened before this. There’s the sense that you said something to him that he may not have deserved. Still, he breaks the silence soon.
“Watching the mists is comforting, isn’t it?” You only nod, saying nothing. “What is it I once told you? The mists protect you, they give you power… They hide you…” He glances your way after that, walking towards you and crouching down to offer you a cloak. “There are some things you can’t hide from, Vin. I know - I’ve tried.” You say nothing as you take the cloak, wrapping it around your shoulders, heart still aching. He continues on after a moment. “What happened tonight? What really happened?”
Your voice is thick when you respond. “Elend told me that he didn’t want to be with me anymore.”
“Ah,” Kelsier responds. “Was this before or after you killed his former fiance?”
“Before.” You answer.
“And you still protected him?”
With a nod, you sniffle, rubbing at your nose. “I know. I’m an idiot.”
“No more than the rest of us,” Kelsier says, following that with a sigh before he continues. “I loved Mare too, even after she betrayed me. Nothing could change how I felt.”
“And that’s why it hurts so much,” You agree, finally understanding something that he said to you long ago. You don’t stop loving people just because they betray you or leave you behind. But whoever Elend is, it’s not really him you’re thinking of as you say that - it’s something older, something that hasn’t really had the chance to heal. Something that you’ve tried to shove down as much as you could, springing to the surface.
“You don’t stop loving people just because they hurt you,” Kelsier agrees. “It would certainly make things easier if you did.”
Something about that - the simplicity of that statement, how true it is, how long you’ve tried to run from it… You sniffle again, tears welling up in your eyes anew, as something that you’ve been keeping inside for a long time finally spills out.
“I loved him, Kelsier,” You whisper.
“Elend?” He asks, but you shake your head.
“No, not Elend. Reen.” Your half brother. You have to take a breath before you continue. “He beat me over, and over, and over. He swore at me, he yelled at me, he told me he’d betray me. Every day, I thought about how much I hated him. And I loved him. I still do. It hurts so much to think that he’s gone, even though he always told me he would leave.”
“Oh, child…” Kelsier says, not hesitating another second before he pulls you close. “I’m sorry.” It’s warm, familial, but… You just keep going. It’s like you can’t stop. You haven’t said any of this to anyone, before. There’s never been anyone you trusted enough to tell this to. Through the tears, you whisper.
“Everyone leaves me. I can barely remember my mother. She tried to kill me, you know. She heard voices, in her head, and they made her kill my baby sister. She was probably going to kill me next, but Reen stopped her. Either way, she left me. After that, I clung to Reen. He left me too.” For the first time since this began, you look up at him, desperate. “When are you going to go? When will you leave me?”
He looks down at you, sorrowful, clearly hesitating. Choosing his words, maybe. “I… Vin, I don’t know. This job, the plan…”
You look towards him, wondering if he knows some danger that you don’t, but despite that… You trust him, He is strong and capable. No matter what the danger is, you think he will last through it. So you pull away, wiping at your eyes, already feeling self conscious for everything you just said as you sniffle again.
The memory ends.]
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this, somehow, seems more invasive to be seeing than the first memory - more personal, somehow. more raw. she can't imagine that it was easy for vin to admit feeling this way to the man in her memory, and she can't imagine that vin is fully comfortable with that vulnerability being laid bare in front of her now.
...
she takes her hands, though, when the memory comes to an end.
everyone leaves me.
that's haunting, because - isn't that their goal? to leave this place? to go back to where they'd come from? when that happens, they'll...]
Oh, Vin...
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it's only when jiuqing reaches out for her that she takes a shuddering breath, brought back to here and now. she blinks, looking down to where jiuqing holds her hands, a deep breath forcing itself into her lungs.]
It's... [for all she likes to downplay things like this, she can't quite bring herself to say it's fine. instead:] It was a long time ago.
[not the memory itself, but - the things she described in it.]
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...that doesn't make it hurt any less.
[some things still hurt no matter how much time passes. you carry them with you, always, until carrying that burden becomes as natural as breathing, and the thought of setting it down is entirely foreign.]
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[but to her - acknowledging that pain doesn't change what has happened, or that she's certain that's it just going to happen again. she's mentioned it before, things like the people here are kind or they seem well meaning,
but even that has been an understatement. even if she's tried to pull back from caring or getting too invested, she's already failed, and in the end, she's sure that every face she's come to know here will fade to a memory.
still. after a moment, carefully neutral:]
But it is what happens.
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is there some way to get home, but to not lose touch with the people they've grown to care for here? jiuqing doesn't know. at this point, even making it home feels... not impossible, but also not something they'll be able to accomplish soon.
but if they can find some way to stay connected...]
Even so... [...] It's still...
[awful, to have to live in fear of the moment when people will leave you behind.]
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