countermeasures | chroma | catchall for kashuu kiyomitsu

[i think about how they all passed out after being hoisted over the volcano so he only knew she was tar-y at all because of something Vax mentioned in passing. Hilarious. It still hasn't clicked, though.

When she pulls her hand back, he looks a little startled, pulling his back at the same time like he's afraid he's hurt her.]

Ah-- s... [But before the apology leaves his mouth, she's already apologizing and he's just looking confused.] --Huh? What're you apologizing for?

The... we fought.

[...she looks down at her hands.]

I hurt you.

[He's quiet for a second, brow furrowed, because honestly all of the fighting blurred together and he's just like ???? because??? He didn't fight Jiuqing at all??? He's sure he would have remembered that, even if he thought it was a fake Jiuqing at the time.

But he thinks about Vin, and about what he'd very briefly wondered when looking at that tar-covered monster, whose eyes glowed a piercing, haunting green.]

--Were... You were - back in Falcon's Nest...?

...in... Ishgard, I think?

[what even are names. she cannot remember.]

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I hurt you... both of you.

[He doesn't even confirm that she's right about the name because he's just looking HORRIFIED INSTEAD. Here he'd been thinking she was just wandering around in some different part of the adventure and they never ran into her...]

--You were the one covered in all that goo...?

["I hurt both of you", she says, but he definitely remembers just trying to wholeass kill that creature thinking it was Probably Just An NPC!!]

Oh my god, Jiuqing-- I'm so sorry, I didn't-- You didn't look like you and I just...

[she shakes her head.]

You don't need to apologize to me, Kashuu. I was trying to kill you.

...But you weren't even there anymore, were you?

[He had only begun to feel the start of it, himself - the emptying of his very core - but he'd heard from Vin what it had been like, at that time.]

No, I wasn't. And... that's why you shouldn't be sorry.

[...]

You were only trying to survive, and I was just an empty shell. The choice you should make in that situation is obvious.

[In the same way that he's not sorry he killed Vin because he thinks it was genuinely the best option, it's not exactly harming Jiuqing in that state that he's most apologetic about.]

...If I had known, I would-- ...I'd have tried to end it for you, too.

[Rather than just leave her to rampage like that, taking lives and having to bear the weight of it later.]

...

[she closes her eyes.

it would have been nice, she thinks - to not have to hurt anyone else. but it stings, too. it hits a little too close to what they'd heard, near the end.

for you, I would have granted the gentlest end...]

I would have fought you. [...] I just don't know how to give up.

Nothing wrong with being stubborn. [...] Usually.

[He thinks it's pretty natural, for living things to want to avoid their end and for once-living things to still have that imprint in it somewhere. Isn't that why they're all here? Because no matter what options they'd chosen and what paths they had taken, in the end, eventually - surely, even with Jiuqing, though he doesn't know the journey she'd been on - they ended up at the same conclusion.

To live is misery, but it's a misery they accept.]

...I'm sorry you had to go through it like that, though. All of it.

[Alone, or seemingly alone, unless she had her own Real Vax...]

[she did not.]

I'm sorry that you did, too.

[it's too much. how long is this going to go on? someone will be dying tonight - at least one. probably two, if the way it's been the last few weeks holds true. who will they lose? how many people will be traumatized by the trial and the ensuing execution?

who will have to go through and experience like theirs next week? the week after that? and the week after that?

how long can they keep doing this?]

[He's just quiet for a few moments after that, feeling the weight of the unspoken words hanging in the air between them.

Week after week after week, nothing significant changes. They only lose more - more people, to refraction. To murder. To execution. These stupid adventures wear on people too, even if no one has carried a death over just yet. It's like everything is designed with laser precision to wear on them, to grind them down, to force them to the bottommost pits of misery.

They're largely stubborn people who don't know when to quit, but everyone has their limits.]

...Feels hopeless sometimes, huh.

[He had pulled enough of himself together to overcome his own despair at the end of it all, just hours ago. But even he can admit that it's hard, to be constantly treading water and just barely keeping your nose above the surface.]

[she nods. the motion is small, but even so, with her injuries, it hurts - she suppresses a wince.]

Yes.

[her voice is tiny.]

But that's why we need each other. Even if something is hopeless alone, we can still...

[...they can support each other, help keep each others' heads above water. but it's dangerous, too, because the people you care for the most are the ones it hurts the most to lose -

and they will be losing each other.

when they go to sleep tonight, they'll lose someone. when they wake up, they'll find out who it is.]

[Hope and despair exist in a cyclical loop, one giving rise to the other, the power of one feeding the other. The stronger one's hope is, the stronger their despair. Though, funny enough, it rarely seems to work the other way around.

He closes his eyes for a moment, thinking about the loss that looms ahead. Thinking about the way this, too, becomes little more than a pattern to predict and expect. Death as a given, in such a punctual way, is so far from natural that it makes his skin crawl.]

...We can still keep each other going. It's gonna suck, though. It's only gonna get harder and harder.

[But he doesn't say it with the tone of someone who's going to give up. Just - with the simple, stinging acceptance that this is the reality they face. Together, for as long as they can stand together as they are now.]

[it's only gonna get harder and harder YEAH IT SURE FUCKING WILL WHEN THEIR TWINK DIES ON THEM!!!!!!! UGH!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YAYWON]

...

[she nods]

It will get harder and harder, but we can't... we won't... let that beat us. [a beat.] We didn't before.

[THIS IS SO FUCKIGN FUNNY HELP MEEEE]

Yeah, we didn't. I'm expecting us to keep going until the end.

[Whatever that end might be.]

[I'M SO SAD!!!]

I am, too. There's... we just have to keep going.

[there's no alternative, really. they're too stubborn to lay down and wait for death to claim them.]

[yaywon escaped our clutches at the last fckin second]

...Yep. No other option, right?

[They have to complete the mission or die trying, huh. Kind of funny, considering the entire mission is to get everyone out of here alive.

After a beat:] --So you know, no matter how things go here... I'm really glad that I got to meet you, Jiuqing.

[she nods.

as long as they don't give up on their mission, they'll never have to see it failed. if they keep working at it until their dying breaths—

even then, they won't see the failure. they'll be gone.]

...I'm glad I was able to meet you, too, Kashuu.

[Maybe there's something of a comfort to be had in that, after all. To know nothing - not success, or failure. No joy, but no sorrow, either. And he probably wouldn't even feel too badly about it, in many of the most important ways, if he really did try his hardest until he couldn't anymore.

He turns to the side a little, coughing a few petals into his hand, which he'll just put into his pocket.]

Mm. ...I'm glad there are some things this place can't take away.

[this coughing is really so concerning! but no amount of medicine she has is going to stop it; it truly seems like the only way to get it to not happen is to wear your heart on your sleeve.

and fuck the terrifying ordeal of being known, so.]

No matter what it does to us, we'll always have this.

[...well it could take their memories but she's not acknowledging that. she refuses to.]

[Both of them just :handshake emoji: sometimes you would rather hack up flowers than talk openly about ugly things!

He's also thinking about the possibility of memory loss but he too is refusing to perceive it.]

Mm. ...Lemme know if you need anything, okay? If it's anything I can do.

...

[she nods]

Likewise, if there's anything I can do for you... anything at all...

(no subject)

slashay - 2022-04-02 15:43 (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

countermeasures - 2022-04-02 20:25 (UTC) - Expand