[A long pause, her eyebrows furrowed, trying to think of how to say it, before she...just goes and says it.]
I...have feelings for you.
[And then a beat, her gaze cast aside.]
But...I don't want that to change anything, I don't...need you to return anything. And I understand if you don't. I...understand if you have feelings for someone else, or don't care for it. I've just been thinking about regrets. About Vin and Atsushi, on that ferris wheel, and this past week, feeling like I'm stuck in "Civil War", again...
[You have to wash that knife with pure water - before your heart tells you that you can't bear it-!!]
[Oh, her heart felt like it was being torn into shreds, these last few days.]
So I...wanted to get it off my chest, especially before tonight. I just wanted you to know. You make me happy, more than anything. And I...don't want this to be a burden on you or something...like I said, I don't expect anything.
[A pause, her voice wavering.]
I just want to know you're loved, even by a wasted nun like me.
her eyes widen slightly, and for a moment, they don't look their usual green - they're a mix of mauve and cornflower, until she blinks, and they're back to normal. her cheeks flush a faint pink as she takes this in.
I have feelings for you.
there's really no misinterpreting that. it's direct, and that's one of the things jiuqing appreciates most about hot pants - her directness. she really doesn't beat around the bush when there's something she wants to say.
she reaches for one of hot pants's hands.]
...thank you, for telling me.
[it's hard enough to identify feelings like that in the first place, let alone accept them, let alone be willing to speak of them.
for jiuqing, it's hard to imagine doing that. any feelings she may or may not have for anyone who's here or not here - they're not something she's able to put into words, exactly. the thought of admitting it, and then losing them (or admitting it, and hearing they don't feel the same way; or admitting it, and finding out they do share the same feelings, but not being able to stay together at the end of it all) is terrifying.
she's brave, but she's not that brave.
so that hot pants can say this at all, that she's found the courage to, is something she really admires.]
Your feelings aren't a burden. If I've done or said anything to make you feel like they are, I want to apologize for that.
[she gives her hand a squeeze and smiles.]
You're very, very important to me, Miss Hot Pants. And you make me happy, too. I want you to know that. I don't want there to be any doubt that I care for you very much.
[...]
I'm just not sure if... the way I care for you is the way you care for me.
[...and maybe the fact that she's not sure is answer enough.
(if hot pants turns up dead tomorrow and our last pc was jiuqing rejecting her i WILL manifest to your location and kill you, crystal.)]
No, it was just my thinking that it might weigh on you too much. Vin was scared to admit anything to Atsushi at the end, you know? And then Atsushi did it for her.
[And then comes the answer. Her eyebrows go up and down in an "oh well" sort of expression, and she smiles a little distantly - it's not sad, really, more of a quiet acceptance of something she was already expecting.]
That's alright. Like I said...I just wanted to get it off my chest. No regrets. And I don't regret it. [A squeeze of the hand back.] You're a shining star. Wherever you go, you'll shine bright.
[A few purple flowers, heliotropes, blooms over the side of her head, where her ear once was. There's healed scars there, now.]
jiuqing's heart twists, but she doesn't let go of hot pants's hand.]
No regrets.
[hot pants really is much braver than her.
she's kept things to herself before, even when she knew she might regret it if she didn't say something. she's said things she didn't mean before, because it was safer -
(—as long as you stay away from me, the princess won't mind me at all. am i wrong?)
is that what this is, she wonders? is responding this way something that she'll come to regret? is she really uncertain if they feel the same way about each other, or is she just trying to convince herself so because she's afraid—?
she does know that she doesn't want to lose hot pants. not to death, and not to this place. she's a precious friend to her, and she wants to protect her as best she can.]
You're very kind. [she means it. hot pants's kindness is one of the things that's kept her going here, whether hot pants is able to recognize her own kindness or not - that's just a fact.] And knowing you're there... that gives me strength.
You shine too... like the sun.
[hot pants is warm, and bright. and maybe it's hard to get close to her, sometimes - just like you can't look too closely, or too directly, at the sun; maybe sometimes she's a little harsh.
...I'll continue to give you strength for as long as I can.
[For as long as she...lives. Well. That could always change, in a place like this. But the point stands. It feels good, when she's there for others. It feels good, to know that she can be relied on. Its why she beats herself up for not being strong enough, not being stalwart enough, sometimes, but...]
[She knows, even in the way Su looks at her, that she is doing well enough, and it makes her feel warm. She'll be a sun if Su wants her to be. She'll shine with whatever she has.]
[She gives a squeeze of the hand.]
Ha. I should say that to you. I admire you. You're one of the strongest people I know.
[she's earnest - everything about the look on her face to the tone of her voice. because she really, really means it. hot pants is truly one of the strongest people she's ever met.]
...and, I hope I'll be able to give you strength too.
[even if their feelings for each other are different, that doesn't lessen how jiuqing cares even the slightest bit. it doesn't change that she wants hot pants to be safe, and happy, and well, and if she can support her in that, in any way - she wants to.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[she looks up at her.]
What is it that you want to say?
no subject
I...have feelings for you.
[And then a beat, her gaze cast aside.]
But...I don't want that to change anything, I don't...need you to return anything. And I understand if you don't. I...understand if you have feelings for someone else, or don't care for it. I've just been thinking about regrets. About Vin and Atsushi, on that ferris wheel, and this past week, feeling like I'm stuck in "Civil War", again...
[You have to wash that knife with pure water - before your heart tells you that you can't bear it-!!]
[Oh, her heart felt like it was being torn into shreds, these last few days.]
So I...wanted to get it off my chest, especially before tonight. I just wanted you to know. You make me happy, more than anything. And I...don't want this to be a burden on you or something...like I said, I don't expect anything.
[A pause, her voice wavering.]
I just want to know you're loved, even by a wasted nun like me.
no subject
not what jiuqing was expecting to hear.
her eyes widen slightly, and for a moment, they don't look their usual green - they're a mix of mauve and cornflower, until she blinks, and they're back to normal. her cheeks flush a faint pink as she takes this in.
I have feelings for you.
there's really no misinterpreting that. it's direct, and that's one of the things jiuqing appreciates most about hot pants - her directness. she really doesn't beat around the bush when there's something she wants to say.
she reaches for one of hot pants's hands.]
...thank you, for telling me.
[it's hard enough to identify feelings like that in the first place, let alone accept them, let alone be willing to speak of them.
for jiuqing, it's hard to imagine doing that. any feelings she may or may not have for anyone who's here or not here - they're not something she's able to put into words, exactly. the thought of admitting it, and then losing them (or admitting it, and hearing they don't feel the same way; or admitting it, and finding out they do share the same feelings, but not being able to stay together at the end of it all) is terrifying.
she's brave, but she's not that brave.
so that hot pants can say this at all, that she's found the courage to, is something she really admires.]
Your feelings aren't a burden. If I've done or said anything to make you feel like they are, I want to apologize for that.
[she gives her hand a squeeze and smiles.]
You're very, very important to me, Miss Hot Pants. And you make me happy, too. I want you to know that. I don't want there to be any doubt that I care for you very much.
[...]
I'm just not sure if... the way I care for you is the way you care for me.
[...and maybe the fact that she's not sure is answer enough.
(if hot pants turns up dead tomorrow and our last pc was jiuqing rejecting her i WILL manifest to your location and kill you, crystal.)]
no subject
[And then comes the answer. Her eyebrows go up and down in an "oh well" sort of expression, and she smiles a little distantly - it's not sad, really, more of a quiet acceptance of something she was already expecting.]
That's alright. Like I said...I just wanted to get it off my chest. No regrets. And I don't regret it. [A squeeze of the hand back.] You're a shining star. Wherever you go, you'll shine bright.
[A few purple flowers, heliotropes, blooms over the side of her head, where her ear once was. There's healed scars there, now.]
I'll be behind you all the way.
no subject
jiuqing's heart twists, but she doesn't let go of hot pants's hand.]
No regrets.
[hot pants really is much braver than her.
she's kept things to herself before, even when she knew she might regret it if she didn't say something. she's said things she didn't mean before, because it was safer -
(—as long as you stay away from me, the princess won't mind me at all. am i wrong?)
is that what this is, she wonders? is responding this way something that she'll come to regret? is she really uncertain if they feel the same way about each other, or is she just trying to convince herself so because she's afraid—?
she does know that she doesn't want to lose hot pants. not to death, and not to this place. she's a precious friend to her, and she wants to protect her as best she can.]
You're very kind. [she means it. hot pants's kindness is one of the things that's kept her going here, whether hot pants is able to recognize her own kindness or not - that's just a fact.] And knowing you're there... that gives me strength.
You shine too... like the sun.
[hot pants is warm, and bright. and maybe it's hard to get close to her, sometimes - just like you can't look too closely, or too directly, at the sun; maybe sometimes she's a little harsh.
but that doesn't make her any less wonderful.]
I really admire you, you know.
no subject
[For as long as she...lives. Well. That could always change, in a place like this. But the point stands. It feels good, when she's there for others. It feels good, to know that she can be relied on. Its why she beats herself up for not being strong enough, not being stalwart enough, sometimes, but...]
[She knows, even in the way Su looks at her, that she is doing well enough, and it makes her feel warm. She'll be a sun if Su wants her to be. She'll shine with whatever she has.]
[She gives a squeeze of the hand.]
Ha. I should say that to you. I admire you. You're one of the strongest people I know.
no subject
[she's earnest - everything about the look on her face to the tone of her voice. because she really, really means it. hot pants is truly one of the strongest people she's ever met.]
...and, I hope I'll be able to give you strength too.
[even if their feelings for each other are different, that doesn't lessen how jiuqing cares even the slightest bit. it doesn't change that she wants hot pants to be safe, and happy, and well, and if she can support her in that, in any way - she wants to.]