They said that if we passed them, they would give us something that might help us save people in Ishgard, where there was an attack...? ...so we agreed to take them.
...it wasn't your fault; you have nothing to apologize for.
[...]
I lost track of how many times it happened. It was like it - wanted me to say that loving my mother wasn't worth the pain of losing her. But that just wasn't true. Eventually, it... showed me something else. And another thing, and another...
[she shudders]
I know it wasn't real. It involved things that had already happened, but - differently from the way they did. And it involved people who were already gone.
Like being forced to participate in a neverending nightmare, was it?
Full glad I am that you hung on, despite it.
[ Genuine. There isn't that much like, strong emotion or so behind it but Jiuqing will just be able to tell that it goes a bit deeper than his usual statements.
Hanging on is hard. Justifying your love is hard. Telling yourself it's alright to live and love and be loved is hard. But sometimes, it really is worth it. ]
And if you won't spend the rest of the time in the pods tonight, then tomorrow or some else.
[ Looking at her expectantly, bandaging herself up like that. Still respecting her space because it sounds like he'd be the worst person to help her right now. ]
They won't be working tomorrow, but... as soon as things are done on Saturday.
[...she looks down.]
I suppose I ought to tell you - in case anything happens to me tonight, so you're prepared... [she is not going to die tonight, he is. she doesn't know that. but she indicates her left shoulder.] This injury - I think it will match your lance.
Okay, it all makes sense now. He looks away, a slight scowl on his face, the misfortune -- the bell of reminder continuing to ring like a ghost that haunts him and won't die. Ever more malevolently so. Nidhogg has never left him, always been at the corner of his mind, though the mocking turns, the begging to let him in have subsided in favour of a mere fellow presence, driving determination.
This place practically yearns to throw them back into their old, toxic days, and honestly, Estinien is having enough of it. He's tired. ]
Then, if it happens to be of suspicion, I trust you'll clear my name. At least, for that.
[ If his lance cuts show up on anyone else, that's a different problem. ]
Or otherwise, I pray you had someone else look over your injuries.
[ You know, on the off-chance Jiuqing dies (narrator voice: she did not), and it's Estinien Scapegoat Danger... 2. ]
[i wanted so badly for her to get scapegoated for estinien's death but alas she did not have white-and-red hair...]
Of course. Or, at least - I'd try to. If someone kills me tonight I don't know how convincing it would be if I wrote "Estinien didn't do it" in my own blood or something...
[honestly if she's able to write messages in her own blood she'd rather write her killer's name and take them down with her :/ ]
...it wasn't really you. Everyone should understand that. [...] I wish - I'd understood that better. I knew it, but when we came back earlier, I still...
[ Jiuqing needed to get that sci-fi 'stress makes your hair turn white' treatment... then she could've made it...
He snorts, which he thinks is somewhat inappropriate, but he can't help himself. ]
If you have the time to write out such a thing, I'd hope you'd spend the time defending yourself first.
[ Or yeah, take down your killer out of spite. That also works great. ]
The adventures have their way with messing with our minds. I saw visions of Aymeric dying, of Bass being hurt. [ Of him hurting Bass's illusion, even. ]
I can hardly blame you for being wary, if you saw... [ he inhales and exhales, slowly. ] The darkest point of my life, easily. I can only be grateful that the shade did not succeed and you came back alive.
DAMN YOU KNOW I BET HEI WOULD HAVE LET ME HAVE THAT HAPPEN IN CYOA IF I'D ASKED. MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!!]
...if that really - was that point in your life... [because, like. there were nough differences that who can say, really?] ...then I'm sorry this place has been showing it to people.
It's something I can hardly run from, even if I hadn't expected it to haunt me so viscerally as it does here.
I was a fool, simply put. I was so angry at being left to live on that what was left of my withered soul, I dedicated solely to killing Nidhogg. The exact replica of Nidhogg's own, whose existence became defined only by his hatred of man, and his desire to see them all wiped out, or die trying. 'Twas all-too-easy, after weathering his thoughts for months in close proximity, letting my guard down too early when we felled King Thordan, for the rancor in his blood to link to that I held in my own heart, and turn me into his plaything.
[ Does that paint a clear picture? Why that monstrosity felt so seamless. He chews the inside of his mouth, eyes low, considering. It was traumatic, but he'd made his peace. But it's still there. An odd balance. ]
I have said our goodbye to that hatred since, when I found and destroyed my eyes, deplorably being used to bolster another's quest of vengeance, but for the last time. I borrow that strength often, but for better, where I can.
[...ah. it does kind of seem like that was him, then. the way he remembers it happening - and not just some variation of it.
jiuqing's expression shifts to something sympathetic, and she reaches over to put a hand on his arm. remembering that this thread is happening while she's grievously injured kills me.]
You're a very strong person, Estinien.
[she can think of some people who would just shy away from it after an experience like that, rather than borrowing that strength for the better. good for him, honestly.]
'Tis not to be praised that I shared with you all that. Just so that you'll be able to understand better -- and come to terms with perhaps just one side of your venture.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Aye, she was.
[ Clearing his throat, annoyed at this shit. God. ]
I'm glad you had her help.
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Yes, I was lucky. She took me to see the dragons, and... they had... trials for us...
[her voice trails off and she looks down at her hands]
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...Trials?
[ He doesn't remember THIS happening, wtf? ]
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They said that if we passed them, they would give us something that might help us save people in Ishgard, where there was an attack...? ...so we agreed to take them.
[...]
It wasn't... what I was expecting at all.
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This is unfamiliar to me.
[ JIUQING FINALLY COMING THROUGH BY BREAKING THE ILLUSION THAT ESTINIEN HAS BEEN CYOA-BULLIED TWICE Kashuu unknowingly gaslighted him. ]
What happened?
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It was... a lot of things. First, I had to watch my mother die, over and over again, and a voice kept asking if it was... worth it.
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Er... I'm... I'm sorry you had to go through that. [ Yikes pronounced like Nikes. ]
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[...]
I lost track of how many times it happened. It was like it - wanted me to say that loving my mother wasn't worth the pain of losing her. But that just wasn't true. Eventually, it... showed me something else. And another thing, and another...
[she shudders]
I know it wasn't real. It involved things that had already happened, but - differently from the way they did. And it involved people who were already gone.
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Full glad I am that you hung on, despite it.
[ Genuine. There isn't that much like, strong emotion or so behind it but Jiuqing will just be able to tell that it goes a bit deeper than his usual statements.
Hanging on is hard. Justifying your love is hard. Telling yourself it's alright to live and love and be loved is hard. But sometimes, it really is worth it. ]
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...it's over now. And none of it was real, so - it will just be a bad memory.
Once I'm fully healed, I'm sure I'll have an easier time getting over it.
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And if you won't spend the rest of the time in the pods tonight, then tomorrow or some else.
[ Looking at her expectantly, bandaging herself up like that. Still respecting her space because it sounds like he'd be the worst person to help her right now. ]
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[...she looks down.]
I suppose I ought to tell you - in case anything happens to me tonight, so you're prepared... [she is not going to die tonight, he is. she doesn't know that. but she indicates her left shoulder.] This injury - I think it will match your lance.
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Okay, it all makes sense now. He looks away, a slight scowl on his face, the misfortune -- the bell of reminder continuing to ring like a ghost that haunts him and won't die. Ever more malevolently so. Nidhogg has never left him, always been at the corner of his mind, though the mocking turns, the begging to let him in have subsided in favour of a mere fellow presence, driving determination.
This place practically yearns to throw them back into their old, toxic days, and honestly, Estinien is having enough of it. He's tired. ]
Then, if it happens to be of suspicion, I trust you'll clear my name. At least, for that.
[ If his lance cuts show up on anyone else, that's a different problem. ]
Or otherwise, I pray you had someone else look over your injuries.
[ You know, on the off-chance Jiuqing dies (narrator voice: she did not), and it's Estinien Scapegoat Danger... 2. ]
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Of course. Or, at least - I'd try to. If someone kills me tonight I don't know how convincing it would be if I wrote "Estinien didn't do it" in my own blood or something...
[honestly if she's able to write messages in her own blood she'd rather write her killer's name and take them down with her :/ ]
...it wasn't really you. Everyone should understand that. [...] I wish - I'd understood that better. I knew it, but when we came back earlier, I still...
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He snorts, which he thinks is somewhat inappropriate, but he can't help himself. ]
If you have the time to write out such a thing, I'd hope you'd spend the time defending yourself first.
[ Or yeah, take down your killer out of spite. That also works great. ]
The adventures have their way with messing with our minds. I saw visions of Aymeric dying, of Bass being hurt. [ Of him hurting Bass's illusion, even. ]
I can hardly blame you for being wary, if you saw... [ he inhales and exhales, slowly. ] The darkest point of my life, easily. I can only be grateful that the shade did not succeed and you came back alive.
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DAMN YOU KNOW I BET HEI WOULD HAVE LET ME HAVE THAT HAPPEN IN CYOA IF I'D ASKED. MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!!]
...if that really - was that point in your life... [because, like. there were nough differences that who can say, really?] ...then I'm sorry this place has been showing it to people.
I'm sure that's not what you wanted to happen...
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It's something I can hardly run from, even if I hadn't expected it to haunt me so viscerally as it does here.
I was a fool, simply put. I was so angry at being left to live on that what was left of my withered soul, I dedicated solely to killing Nidhogg. The exact replica of Nidhogg's own, whose existence became defined only by his hatred of man, and his desire to see them all wiped out, or die trying. 'Twas all-too-easy, after weathering his thoughts for months in close proximity, letting my guard down too early when we felled King Thordan, for the rancor in his blood to link to that I held in my own heart, and turn me into his plaything.
[ Does that paint a clear picture? Why that monstrosity felt so seamless. He chews the inside of his mouth, eyes low, considering. It was traumatic, but he'd made his peace. But it's still there. An odd balance. ]
I have said our goodbye to that hatred since, when I found and destroyed my eyes, deplorably being used to bolster another's quest of vengeance, but for the last time. I borrow that strength often, but for better, where I can.
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jiuqing's expression shifts to something sympathetic, and she reaches over to put a hand on his arm. remembering that this thread is happening while she's grievously injured kills me.]
You're a very strong person, Estinien.
[she can think of some people who would just shy away from it after an experience like that, rather than borrowing that strength for the better. good for him, honestly.]
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'Tis not to be praised that I shared with you all that. Just so that you'll be able to understand better -- and come to terms with perhaps just one side of your venture.
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...it helps. Thank you.
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Get rest, Jiuqing.
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...let's see each other tomorrow, alright? Fridays are never easy, but - it's a little easier with company. We could have tea.
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Sounds good to me.
[ And they will have their tea it just got delayed by almost a week it's fine! ]
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[...
a beat.]
Well, no, I suppose that's a blatant lie in this case...
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[ If it is then it's most definitely false. ]
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